I feel stripped down to nothing by God.
I am a tiny little thing before Him, a petty creature holding on to my little idols. I don't want to give them up either, but I am sobbing with the hardness of it all. Meanwhile, God is speaking truth to me through my Fiancee.
I needed to be humbled, and God was doing the humbling.
But He's doing it because He /wants/ me.
How crazy is that??? The God of the universe cares too much about me to let me keep wandering from Him. He's leading blind, deaf, foolish little me back to Himself simply for His name sake through amazing grace. He breaks me, and the tears flow and give me a splitting headache the next day. But He does it so I can experience joy in His presence again.
And oh what joy there is!!! Climbing a mountaintop today, simply to be closer to God. Sitting down amidst the glory of his creation, overlooking mountains, forests, a lake, and wild flowers that all shout God's praises. His Word in my lap. Reading through Isaiah 42 through 46 and finding His heart for me. He is making straight ways for blind me. He is turning me from my idols. He is making rivers flow in desert places.
And I can rejoice in Psalm 16 again. My God is my refuge. He is at my right hand. My heart delights in His Word.
There truly is joy in His presence.
11/29/18 What's Out There?
Numbers 35 Acts 27
Over the city's wall, there is freedom.
If I can lower a life boat and leave this ship, I can be my own captain.
It's such a human thing to want to be our own man, to not be contained by boundaries or hindered by the warnings of a man of God. As Christians, we struggle with this "human-ness."We see the vast expanse outside the walls of our City of Refuge. We tremble aboard ship in the middle of a storm. And we wonder if perhaps we should take matters into our own hands. All we have to do is hop the wall or lower a lifeboat to be our own man again. It would be a simple thing, really, a decision we flirt with every time we sin.
It's a decision that would bring death.
We forget that our avengers wait just outside our City of Refuge. They long to kill us. We can hop the wall, yes, and frolic in the freedom and wide open space, but we will learn quickly that protective boundaries were a really good thing.
We think we are better off handling the storm with our hands on the rudder, but we forget how flimsy confidence in ourselves is. We forget our own limitations to survive a storm. We are swallowed up in the waves if we strike out on our own.
The Lord is our refuge. We must stay in Him.
The Lord is the only one who can calm the storm with a word. We must stay in His presence.
This is deep down what I want, simply to abide in Jesus! Those deceptive moments where I look outside of Christ and think I see freedom still come though. Those moments of fear in the storm still assail me. But when those moments come and Jesus asks, "You do not want to go away also, do you?" may I be faithful to echo the words of Peter: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life." (John 6:67-68) I know these will be the words on my mouth! Only Jesus offers abundant, eternal life. There's nowhere else to go.
11/21/18 Seek God's counsel proactively = Avoid a Mess
Without God guiding decisions, things are a mess.
I was really reminded of this in the sad, sad tale of the Israelites in Judges 20-21. They took it upon themselves to wipe out evil in the tribe of Benjamin, not realizing that they were picking at a log in their brother's eye while ignoring the depths of their own depravity--a log at least as big. After all, the Levite who incited this whole thing did so because he first HAD a concubine and second because he was a coward and gave her to be raped by a mob to protect himself. To top that wickedness off, he cut her raped and bruised dead body in pieces and sent them around to each of the twelve tribes!! However, it was like all this depravity was par for the course and "normal" for the sons of Israel, and only the terrible atrocity of gang rape was on their list of no-nos. It is sickening, then, that these tribes of Israel thought they were coming together under God to destroy the great sinners of the tribe of Benjamin. In truth, they cared very little about whether God was with them or not. He was their token god, not the LORD. This is seen in the fact that they never inquired whether they should come against the tribe of Benjamin this way . . . They only asked God "who shall go up first against Benjamin?", when they should have asked, "should we go up against Benjamin?" They got all riled up and on fire for justice, even while denying the authority of the ultimate Law Giver. They ran ahead of God, sure in their ways, and gave Him only a chance to respond to a multiple choice decision on how they should run, not if they should run.
The aftermath was catastrophic. Think lots and lots of blood. It was such a mess--a gruesome, grueling, gross mess.
But in much the same way as those Old Testament "justice warriors", am I getting all judgmental about the Israelites' sin without examining the logs in my own eyes? How often do I step out ahead of God and then ask Him which direction He wanted me to go? How often do I ask for forgiveness rather than permission?? Yes, it is true that man plans His way, but the Lord directs His steps; However, it is a much more organic process than us just walking forward and trusting that God is invisibly steering us. We should submit our plans to the Lord before we start living them out, so that we are more in tune to His leading. We commit our ways to Him, which means we discover how our ways will most glorify Him before we do them.
Help me, God. You know how I like to do rather than wait. Help me to seek your counsel in all my decisions before I make them. Thank you that you so often guide my steps in spite of myself, Lord! I am so thankful for you in my life! Please help me walk more humbly under your authority! I commit my ways to you, knowing that my plans, then, will succeed, because they will flow out of what I am doing for you. No more seeking first my own kingdom. Help me seek yours first in everything!
11/14/18 Let's Write . . . About Truth
I am sitting here at Fiddler's Coffee, weary from school. My mind is overflowing with facts on Sociology, most of which I will dump out onto a test on Friday and leave there. Some facts I will keep. Some facts are useful. Most facts don't account for a Christian worldview. Most facts reveal the depravity of man searching for truth outside of the Truth. Those are the facts that will be left spat out on the test this Friday, like lukewarm coffee spat out on the sidewalk and trampled underfoot by the careless tread of ever-flowing humanity.
Man's knowledge is so temporary. Even "classical knowledge" will fade, as will societies without Truth. This is what I have to keep reminding myself. Theories of society like Conflict, Functionalist, and Symbolic Internationalist will fail to accurately diagnose what makes societies rise or fall, if they don't accept Truth. "Third World" or "Peripheral cultures" aren't trapped because of class conflict of dependence on developed countries; they are trapped without Truth!
What is this Truth? This Truth sets you free if you know it. This Truth makes sense of your life. This Truth saves your life and sets you free!! This Truth is Jesus!! Know Jesus, and you will be set free!
Man's knowledge can't save us. Truth can; Jesus can. Jesus is the only Savior worth trusting!
11/03/18 Learning How to Hate
I have to hate everyone else to truly love Christ. I was reminded of that as I read in Luke 14 today. It's not that I should seek to "hate" my family and friends by distancing myself and always being angry at them, but that I should be so in love with Christ that any relationship that would get in the way and distract me from the Lord, I will hate. This is just what the Lord needed me to come to grips with this morning. I have honestly been holding my relationship with my Girlfriend tightly. I so desire to be with her and learn more about her and to grow in love with her, that I started to ignore my first love. Jesus met me this morning, piecing me with His always-living Sword, letting my heart bleed so that I could figure out what was really filling it.
I slowly let him cut at my flesh. His word cut to my heart when it said, "None of those men who were invited shall taste my dinner." One of those men wouldn't leave His new wife to be with Jesus. I can't imagine that if holding on to that love and amazing honeymoon of romance over being with Jesus was condemned, than me desiring to pursue my Girlfriend more than God would ever be okay. I realized that as much as I long to be seated with my Girlfriend at her dinner table, holding her hand, seeing her smile, I would hate to be there if that meant missing the invite to be at Jesus's table for all eternity. I want to be in the filled, abundant house of God, living that relationship with Him, above all else!
So there I sat this morning, humbled and stripped down to my heart. I wanted to press more into Jesus's words though, so I kept reading. I learned of his amazing love for me in chapter 15. Yes we must give up everything to be with Christ, but He desperately loves us in return. He seeks and searches for us, drawing us back to Himself. He waits to embrace us like a tender Father, so quick and willing to forgive our wandering and spiritual adultery! He throws a party for us, seating us with him at His table, giving us the abundant life He promised in His presence. There is music and dancing and joy and love and extravagant kindness, and I realize that it was so good leaving all those who couldn't give me anything anyway--simply to be with my Father.
But then I can look around at this party of joy Jesus is giving me, and I realize that those who are friends and neighbors and slaves of my Father are there too, partaking in this amazing feast of extravagant kindness and love with me. They are dancing and singing with me, and we can share in this simple joy of our Father. It's so much better this way than leaving my Father's house to search for love and companionship. I won't ever leave.
But the amazing thing is, I know my Girlfriend is at this party too. I can see her in my Father's presence, and she radiates His joy to all those at the party--including me. I don't need to seek her or worry about where she is at . . . because she is simply letting our good Father draw and protect her. Help me always lead her to this party in your presence, Lord, rather than trying to draw her and get away with her myself. I do truly hate that idea, Lord! I am content just to leave her with you, knowing you might let me take her hand in the future, but also realizing that no matter what, I am complete and have abundant life simply by being your son!
10/21/18 Falling by Walking
Seasons are changing all around me, as sure as the leaves are falling and the warm summer days fading. Valerie is engaged, Tim has gone from a boy to a young man in my eyes, and I am taking leaps of faith that leave me desperate for God's never failing hand in my life. I am letting go of my lawn care business. I am starting to step out in ministry. I am pursuing a girl who finds herself wanting to follow me, at least until the next crossroads. Our paths have lead together, but the future ahead is still hidden. Will there be a fork in our paths? Or will we explore ancient paths together, for the rest of our lives?
God, I am here waiting, even as I am falling from my leap of faith. I'm falling out of lawn care and in love simultaneously. I stand at a crossroads and yell at myself to look, even as I step forward.
It's crazy. I'm crazy.
But you're never failing.
I am asking you, Lord, where the good way is; keep directing my steps!! Trip me up if I am on a path that doesn't lead straight to you and a closer walk with you!!
05/07 If We Survive . . . to Thankful to be Alive
The phrase that comes to mind so often this time of year is "If We Survive." It's ripped from the cover of an Andrew Clavan book, which features a wild journey through guerrilla fighters, machine guns, dangerous tropical forests, and the like in a sort of Indiana Jones tale. My life right now kind of feels like that craziness. Equipment breakdowns, man and mower eating grass, your occasionally irrational customer . . . I keep telling myself "If We Survive." This time of year is always crazy.
But just today, I got a reminder that I should not be taking "surviving" lightly. I was mowing this insanely steep lawn, slipped towards an even more insanely steep slope, and went right over the edge--mower tipping, blades spinning, heart racing.
A second later I was no longer on top of my mower . . . my mower was on top of me.
Smoke billowed from the engine, and it promptly shut off. I went through the moment of panic where you check all your body parts to see if they are still there/not crushed. Amazingly, I was unhurt and was able to easily wiggle out from underneath the mower. A couple of contractors came along and helped me tip the mower back over. The slope dropped down to a semi-private road, and with a little help from my dad and his truck, I was able to get my mower drug up onto that road. Much to my amazement, the mower started right back up, and after burning through all the oil that had flooded into the exhaust (and after replacing that oil, of course) the mower ran like normal the rest of the day! I only have a small bruise/pulled muscle on my lower back to show for all this, and my mower was only banged up a bit.
Almost ironically (providentially), several of the messages on CSN today focused on being thankful. Here I have been gripping about my busy season and all my various little trials, when I could be focusing instead on just being thankful to be alive! And by "alive", I mean the abundance in life God has so freely given! No more focusing on the brokenness--time to focus only on blessings.
04/02 A Taste of . . . Hell.
I knelt on the side of the highway, choking out the little bit of slime left in my stomach. My body dry heaves painfully, and I try to calm myself down to stop the torture. With each heave it's like my gut is twisting into a knot, trying to ring out every last bit of my meager lunch from earlier. The sad thing is, I'm mostly just happy that I was able to pull over in time.
I have no idea why secular songs think throwing up is cool. Ed Sheran reminisces about how, "he and his friends have not thrown up in so long". In another song, the artist (James Arthur I think his name is?) sings about how he fell in love with his girl while holding her hair back when she was throwing up. Yuck, Yuck, Yuck.
I realized, as I looked up from the rim of the toilet after my fourth round of heaving, that this is Satan's attempt to make misery not only acceptable, but "comfortable", if you can believe that. He's pulling people into fabricated lies about how throwing up (especially after too much alcohol), is just a normal, popular experience. Well, speaking from experience, this is a life I long to leave!!! I can't wait for total healing of this broken world and my broken body when Christ returns! What's more, I want to help people avoid the curse as much as possible, to minimize contact with this leakage of hell into our natural world. The only way to do this is life and continuing sanctification in Christ. May I be faithful to share this unpopular message!!
And no, just in case you were wondering, journal, it wasn't alcohol that caused this trauma, but a stomach bug. ;)
04/01/2018 My Amazing Family
As I sat around with my family, listening to and telling stories, laughing my lungs out, inserting jokes of my own, and just being happy just to be, I started thinking harder about what I had just counseled Valerie about earlier in the day. We were talking about the very real possibility that one of us will have to make a choice between marrying and moving away from the family, or staying and hoping for someone local. I talked about how it is unrealistic to think that all of us will stay local, with how globalized our world is. We talked about how it is so easy for work to take a man across the country, and how his wife will have to be okay with that. And the man will have to be okay with that.
I really thought I was okay with that . . . technology is amazing, I reasoned. An airplane can get me anywhere in the states in a number of hours. Skype and Facebook Messenger can keep us connected in the time inbetween visits. I'd make great new friends and be connected to the family of Christ wherever I go.
But as I sat with the family, roaring in laughter, stealing a kiss from my favorite (currently only) baby niece Marilyn, making eye contact with a family member that communicates so much more than just laughter in the moment (love, acceptance, joy), poking at my "big brothers" Taylor and Richie with jokes, or even praying together and praising God that Jesus is risen--after doing all this, I realized just how heartbreaking it would be to leave my family. I am willing, Lord, as I am pretty sure that is what is called for to pursue ministry here in the states, but I am also willing to stay in this humble little town of Mossyrock--the boondocks need Christ just as much as anywhere else, after all-- if you will. Lead me, Lord, and give me and my siblings the strength to accept your will, wherever that may take us.
03/27/18 Go to bed tired
I heard a really good reminder from Matt Chandler tonight, to "go to bed tired". So many men, he argues, are going to bed with too much energy because they have too much free time. Like he said, a bored man is a dangerous man, and I totally agree.
I can say thankfully then, I am EXHAUSTED. So much busyness happens just in one day for me, and praise God, the majority of it is productive. But it does occur to me though, I want to be exhausted not only for good reasons, but for the best reason. One of the things Matt talked about was being exhausted because you come home and serve your family. That's not something I am doing well at, at least my current family. Lord help me to grow in service to my family!! I don't want to be so selfishly wrapped up in pursuing my future family. Help me not to miss this amazing season with my amazing family and the chance for service they provide.
03/26/18 God's got me
As I think of my life---my goals for school, my business picking up steam, Summit this summer, finding someone to run my business for two weeks in August, my insecurities, the depths of my selfishness, the depravity that still clings to the darkest corners of my heart, my dreams for who I want to become, starting to think again of not wanting to be "romantically asleep" anymore, my desire to be used by God--it all overwhelms me. I feel so inadequate, like a foolish young man who decided to set out against the current with only half an oar and a leaky canoe.
But then the phrase keeps coming back to me, "God's got me." He really does. He has me here, thinking these thoughts right now, for a reason. He's guiding me through this season of life. He gave me an amazing glimpse of his power at work last night at the end rally for Forty Days for life, where I was able to do a bit of public speaking about his glory without my knees knocking and my lips quivering. He even impressed upon me to ditch word for word notes, and to trust HIM to give me the words to say from the heart. And (would you believe it?) He was faithful to do just that! If he can give us the words to say before rulers and authorities, (Luke 12:11-12) then he can certainly allow my words to flow in front of a friendly crowd of sisters and brothers.
God's got me. He will see me through. He's guiding me even now in his perfect plan. I trust him with all my heart!
09/08/17 A College Course Down, and Upcoming Articles
I officially logged my first college credit since early this summer!! It feels great to be back rolling on school; it gets me into the twenties credit-wise! About 1/7 of my degree down!
Which gets me thinking of my dream to write for the rest of my life, once I get that piece of paper known as a college degree in my hand. :P How awesome would it be if the Lord gives me the desire of my heart to serve him through writing??
Which reminds me, He's already using me in a tiny way here on the blog. He who is faithful in the little things . . .
These are some upcoming posts/ideas for the blog:
Eye of the Storm: Publish tomorrow morning, on how trusting the Father's will can get us through any storm. I will be drawing this conclusion from John 18-19, and will tie the post in to the recent hurricanes.
How Samuel Failed to Beat Big Government (and will we avoid the same mistake?): This post will be drawn from Samuel 8, where Israel demands a king after seeing the corruption of Samuel's sons. I will show how his story was a breakdown of the family and the "church", and led to government trying to fill the void. I will parallel this with the Progressive Movement in America, and show the rotten fruit of both.
A couple of political posts I have brewing if I can pull myself away from Bible study:
Why I love Confederate Statues: We have everything to lose and nothing to gain by tearing down history . . . even bad history.
Can We Prove Logically That Homosexuality is not a Civil Right? This is the question. No one cares if we can prove that it is against our faith to condone sodomy . . . Our Supreme Court already has case law where civil rights trump religious liberty (and rightly so). The weight is on us, then, to prove that Homosexuality has enough of a negative impact on society to be considered a hurt . . . not a right.
The Horrors of Vaccines, and why you should still consider vaccinating: Ah yes, this post that has been rattling around in my brain for quite some time . . . this post that might just end my good standing among homeschoolers everywhere. But what if pointing to the few horror stories of vaccines gone wrong is like pointing to a few gruesome car crashes and saying that we should go back to the "natural" way of the horse and buggy? Oh boy, will this one make some waves if I am not careful. It is definitely not my goal to be divisive, but to pursue some truth and clarity in this horribly mangled subject. Is there a balanced approach we can come to? This post will definitely entail some careful study, so I don't plan to release it till early next year.
09/07/17 A Cannonball With my Whole Heart
There's so many things that grab for my attention. Most of them are distractions that pull me away from truly important things. When I am at high points like the recent father-son retreat I attended in Colorado with an awesome bunch of brothers, it seems like there can never be anything in-between me and God. I am so resolved to live my life for Him and become a truly great Christian.
Then I dive back into my day to day life, like a cannonball off the edge of my favorite swimming hole. Only . . . it's often more like a belly flop. As one of our favorite family sayings goes, "Reality hits you hard, bro." Distractions inundate me . . . those customers I have left sitting in a powered-off phone in my pocket for the last few days, school, Social Media, the Arizona Diamondbacks and their long winning streak, and that post-event slump extroverts know all too well.
But yet, our family devotions this morning had such a great reminder from Jeremiah 29:13:
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
I so want to find more and more of God! I want Him to keep transforming my life, but so often I get bogged down with distractions, or forget to include God in my day to day. Work is vital, as is school, but forgetting to put God first before these things, to invite Him to work out His purposes through each and every moment I am cutting weeds or riding a mower or have my face buried in my laptop, is to create a barren dessert for my soul to walk through. I am left thirsty for a drink from the only water that will quench me! My soul becomes those dry, parched bones that needs the word of God to revive them like in Ezekiel!
What a blessing it is to watch Dispatches from the Front, an in-the-moment chronicling of the Gospel's advance abroad. One of the most powerful scenes from tonight's episode was a group of African kids playing in the water from a freshly dug well. Their eyes flashed with excitement, their white teeth gleamed with grins too big for their happy faces. Their little hands moved up and down over their bodies, scrubbing the fresh water into their woolly, dusty hair and stained, tattered clothes, cleaning away countless days of dirt. This is what the Gospel has brought to them, both physically through the clean water, and spiritually through the eternal life-giving flow of Christ.
May I, too, jump into that flow every day and wash myself in it! I'd rather belly flop in Christ then drown in distractions. Help me, Lord, to continue to grow in you and seek you with my whole heart! As another family favorite--this time I song--goes, "The river's deep, the river's wide, the river's water is alive, so sink or swim I'm diving in!"
09/06/17 Fighting Restlessness
Sometimes I hate setting sail on Kyle's Clipper.
Increasingly, I am more and more aware that God's calling for me is not lawn care, but yet, here I am, owning my "efficient lawn care" business and all the responsibilities that come with it. I received 4 customer e-mails just today, along with a few texts. I still need to finish catching up my QuickBooks. We haven't received rain in somewhere close to seventy days now . . . or more. Everything is parched . . . brown and incredibly dusty. Even those tenacious yellow weeds that keep me in business this time of year are dying. To make matters worse, a thick blanket of smoke from local wildfires is blocking out the sun, leaving the air thick and tinged with a faint reddish-yellow glow.
I go through cycles of restlessness like this every few months with the business it seems. Whether due to lack of rain or too much rain, there are those miserable seasons to be mowing lawns. The key is to push through and keep showing up for work . . . one day at a time, till the restlessness dissipates. Another key is to praise God! It's hard to be grumpy when you start running through your long list of thanksgivings for what the Lord has done for you!
I should do more of that giving thanks, and less of counting down the days till I am officially free of lawn care (just 15 months, 24 days left, with a good six to seven months of that time being in the offseason!). If it was up to me, I would be working half days and then devoting the rest to college study and writing--and that will come soon enough this fall--but on the days I need to get out and work full days, may I be faithful to devote myself with just as much attention as I would to study or writing. After all . . . I need the money.
And more than that, obviously, I want to please my Lord! Help me to be faithful in the small things, God. This is my desire.
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to fall asleep while counting my blessings.
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